Kodi Mukungolimbana Kapena Mukuchita "Kulimbana Kodziwa"?

Chomwe chimapangitsa kuti banja likhale ndi chibwenzi chokhazikika ndi:

B. Kutha kupewa kapena kupewa mikangano yamphamvu

C. Kutha kuthetsa kusamvana bwino

D. Anagawana malingaliro andale

E. Maubwenzi olimba achikondi omwe adakhazikitsidwa koyambirira kwa chibwenzi.

Ngati mwasankha "C, zikomo. Ndinu m'modzi mwa anthu ochepa omwe amazindikira kufunikira kwake, ngakhale muubwenzi wabwino kwambiri kuti mukhale ndi luso lothana ndi mikangano. Mabanja ambiri, makamaka omwe amakhala ndiubwenzi, makamaka koyambirira, chifukwa chokomana kwambiri, sakuganiza kuti zosowazo zingachitike bwanji. Kumayambiriro kwa kutengeka, (kutanthauza "mkhalidwe wonyenga") zingawoneke ngati zosatheka ngakhale zosatheka kuti kufunikira kokhala ndi mkangano woyenera kapena "kulimbana mozindikira" kungachitike ngakhale pakati pa anthu awiri omwe ali mchikondi.

Monga ife omwe tili omenyera nkhondo pamabwalo abwenzi taphunzira, ngakhale maubwenzi omwe amayamba kumwamba, amatha ndipo nthawi zambiri amatha, kuwululira zoyipa za bwenzi lililonse. Izi zikamawunikiridwa pang'onopang'ono, timalimbikitsidwa kuthana ndi zomwe tili nazo wina ndi mnzake mwaluso, mwachifundo, ndi kulolerana. Kukulitsa mtima wofunitsitsa womwe ubale wabwino umafunikira monga St. Francis akutikumbutsa ndi "chikho chomvetsetsa, mbiya yachikondi, ndi nyanja yoleza mtima."

Sikuti kungowonekera kwa zofooka za anzathu zomwe timafunikira kuleza mtima kuti tivomereze ndikukhala nawo, koma ndikuwululidwa kwa zolakwika zathu zomwe zimawunikira poyankha zomwe zimatisiyira manyazi ndi manyazi.

Chikhulupiriro kapena chiyembekezo chakuti maanja “abwino” samenya kapena sayenera kumenya nkhondo chimatilepheretsa kuvomerezana (kapena ngakhale kwa ife eni) kuti tingafunike kuphunzira kuthetsa kusamvana kwathu mwaluso komanso mwina kusintha zina ndi zina mu njirayi . Popeza kusintha kumatha ndipo nthawi zambiri kumaphatikizapo kulowa m'malo osadziwika ndikukhala pachiwopsezo chotaya china chake, pali mwayi woti ena angakane kuchita izi.

Njira ina yochitira izi ndikukana, kupewa, kapena kuyika mikangano yomwe sinathetsedwe, yomwe imawononga maziko ndi chidaliro chaubwenzi. Zimachepetsanso kuthekera kwaubwenzi womwe umapezeka muubwenzowu. Kusagwirizana kosagwirizana ndi "kutha" kwam'maganizo kumachepetsa kulumikizana kwa okwatirana powononga malingaliro achikondi mpaka pomwe palibenso china koma mkwiyo, ndi mkwiyo pakati pawo. Kusudzulana kapena koyipa (kupitiliza ubale wakufa) kumatsatira.

Wofufuza maukwati odziwika bwino a John Gottman adasanthula ma mabanja angapo ku Seattle "Love Lab" yake ndikuwona kuti magulu awa a maanja omwe adawona: "ovomerezeka, osakhazikika komanso opewera" anali gulu lachitatu, omwe amapewa, omwe anali pachiwopsezo chachikulu kukhala ndi mabanja osayenda bwino. Kulephera kwawo kuthana ndi mavuto omwe atha kugawanitsa kunayambitsa ulosi wosakwanira wokha mwa kuchititsa kusiyana komwe kunanyalanyazidwa kuwonongeka ndikuwononga zomwe Gottman amatcha "chikondi ndi dongosolo lachikondi".

Ngakhale mabanja osasinthasintha atha kukhala ndi kulumikizana kwakukulu komwe nthawi zina kumatha kupweteka kwa m'modzi kapena onse awiri, kuthana ndi kusamvana mwachindunji, mwinanso mosazindikira bwino ndibwino kuposa kupewa kuvomereza kusamvana kwathunthu. N'zosadabwitsa kuti Gottman adapeza kuti maanja ovomerezeka anali opambana kwambiri pakulimbikitsa ubale wa nthawi yayitali wina ndi mnzake. Komabe nawonso anali ndi gawo lawo la kusiyana komwe kumafunika kuthana nawo. Kusiyana kwakukulu pakati pa gululi ndi enawo ndikuti samangokhala ofunitsitsa kuvomereza ndikuthana ndi zovuta zikafika pakati pawo, koma adawalankhula mwaluso kwambiri ndipo adatha kuthetsa kusamvana (kapena nthawi zina amaphunzira khalani ndi zosiyana zosayanjanitsika) moyenera komanso moyenera.

Mabanjawa samabwera nthawi zambiri m'mabanja awo ndi luso lotha kusamvana lomwe lidapangidwa kale. Zomwe amabweretsa mu chiyanjano chawo ndi kufunitsitsa kuphunzira, kumasuka ku malingaliro a wina ndi mzake ndi nkhawa zawo, ndikudzipereka kubweretsa kuwona mtima kwakukulu, ulemu, ndi kukhulupirika ku chiyanjano chawo. Izi zimachitika chifukwa chongoyamikira osati kokha za bwenzi la munthu aliyense, komanso za kufunika kwa ubalewo. Kuyamikiraku kumapangitsa kuti pakhale kulumikizana kwa "chidwi chodziyimira pawokha" momwe wokondedwa aliyense amalimbikitsidwa ndi chidwi chofuna kupititsa patsogolo ulemu wa mnzake pozindikira kuti pochita izi akupititsa patsogolo moyo wawo.

Pamene maanja ali ndi zolinga izi amakhala osakhudzidwa ndi zokonda zawo ndipo samakonda kulamulirana, Kusiyana sikumatha; amangokhala opanda mavuto komanso osakhala ofunika kwenikweni. Mabanjawa akapezeka kuti akusemphana, ndipo amachita nthawi ndi nthawi, kulumikizana kwawo pomwe ali okondana, kumatha kukhala kosawononga ndipo nthawi zambiri kumabweretsa zabwino zomwe zimalimbikitsa ubale wawo. Njira yothetsera kusamvana kapena "kulimbana mozindikira" nthawi zambiri imakhudza malangizo awa:

1. Kufunitsitsa kuzindikira kuti pali kusiyana pakati paubwenzi ndikuzindikira mtundu wakusiyanako.
2. Cholinga chofunidwa ndi onse awiriwa ndicholinga chothana ndivutoli.
3. Kufunitsitsa kumvetsera poyera komanso mosadziteteza kwa wokondedwa wawo aliyense akamafotokoza nkhawa zawo, zopempha zake, ndi zokhumba zawo. Palibe zosokoneza kapena "kukonza" 'kufikira wokamba nkhani atatsiriza.
4. Chokhumba cha onse awiriwo kuti amvetsetse zomwe ziyenera kuchitika kuti munthu aliyense akhale wokhutira ndi zotulukapo zake.
5. Kudzipereka kuyankhula popanda chodzudzula, kuweruza kapena kudzudzula kumangoyang'ana pa zomwe takumana nazo, zosowa zathu komanso nkhawa zathu.

Izi zitha kubwerezedwa mpaka mnzake ataganiza kuti kumvetsetsa kokwanira ndi / kapena mgwirizano kwachitika ndipo akumva kuti akumaliza kwakanthawi kogawana ndi onse awiriwo. Asanayankhe, ndizothandiza kuti aliyense abwereze kapena kufotokozera zomwe anamva wokondedwa wawo akunena monga momwe zingathere kutsimikizira kumvetsetsa momveka bwino za zosowa za wina ndi mnzake.

Kumaliza sikutanthauza kuti nkhaniyi yakhazikika kwamuyaya, kamodzi kokha, koma kuti vuto lathyoledwa, njira yolakwika yasokonezedwa, kapena mavuto okwanira muubwenzi atsitsidwa kuti athe kuyamikiridwa ndi kumvetsetsa Maganizo a mnzanu aliyense. Kuyembekeza kuti kusamvana “kuyenera” kuthetsedwa pakatha kulumikizana kumatha kuyambitsa banja kukhumudwitsidwa komwe kumathandizira kukulitsa kudzudzulidwa, manyazi, ndi mkwiyo zomwe zimapangitsa kukulitsa mavutowo.

Kuphatikiza pa kuleza mtima, mikhalidwe ina yomwe imalimbikitsa kumenya nkhondo ndikuwopsa, kuwona mtima, chifundo, kudzipereka, kuvomereza, kulimba mtima, kuwolowa manja kwa mzimu, ndi kudziletsa. Ngakhale ochepa aife timakhala pachibwenzi ndi mikhalidwe yotereyi, mgwirizano womwe umadzipereka umapereka mpata wabwino woyeserera ndikuwalimbitsa. Njirayi imatha kukhala yovuta, koma kupatsidwa zabwino ndi mphotho, kuli koyenera. Dziwonereni nokha.