Kuphunzira Kukondana ndi Kukondedwa

Kukonda komanso kukondedwa sikungopatsidwa. Dziko lapansi likadakhala malo abwinopo ngati mwana aliyense amene wabweretsedwa amafunidwa ndi kukondedwa — ngati sichoncho asanabadwe kenako posakhalitsa, kupezeka kwake kukamveka. Izi, mwatsoka, sizili choncho. Nkhani zowopsya, monga zomwe zafotokozedwa mu maphunziro a Adverse Childhood Experiences, ndizambiri, zofotokozera zovuta zomwe ana osakondedwa amakumana nazo. Chotsatira chosapeweka ndikuti nawonso ayenera kuphunzira kupatsa ndi kulandira chikondi. Chifukwa chikondi sichinali chinthu chomwe amachidziwa nthawi zonse, samadziwa momwe angachitire bwino, makamaka zikafika podzikonda okha ndikudzimva oyenera kukondedwa ndi wina.

Chosangalatsa ndichakuti, kuthekera koti timve chikondi kumawoneka ngati kovuta monga kuyenda, kulankhula, kuwerenga, kapena kusewera. Zinthu zina zamkati monga makina opanga mawu, kusamva zowawa, mwayi wopeza chitonthozo, komanso chitetezo chovulaza chimalola mwana kusangalala ndi kukhudza, kubwereranso m'maso ndi kuseka, kutha kudalira wina kuti amusamalire zosowa zomwe sizingakwaniritsidwe pawokha. "Mgwirizano wokhulupirika," mwala wapangodya waubwenzi wachikondi, umayamba chifukwa chodalira kuti wina adzakupatsani zomwe zikufunikira. Pamene kunyalanyazidwa, kuzunzidwa, kapena kusalidwa kumalowetsa m'malo mwamtendere, mwanayo amayamba kumvetsetsa mosiyana ndi ziyembekezo za zibwenzi.

Zolinga zaumunthu zothandiza ndi kupereka chisamaliro sizingaganiziridwe. Kukoma mtima kosavuta kwa munthu yemwe amatonthoza kapena kusamala kumatha (mis) kumvedwa ngati chikondi; mwina kusasinthasintha kwa kupezeka kumapereka malingaliro otetezeka omwe amatchedwa "chikondi." Muzochitika izi, chikondi chimafotokozedwa ndi ubale womwe umasamalira m'malo mwankhanza, ubwenzi m'malo mosayembekezereka, kapena kukondana m'malo mosowa. Chikondi chimamasuliridwa ndi zomwe zimatulutsa mankhwala - oxytocin (the cuddle / caring hormone), dopamine (mankhwala osangalatsa), vasopressin (yokopa) kapena, mutatha msinkhu, estrogen ndi testosterone ya chilakolako. Chisangalalo chakumverera kuvomerezedwa ndi kuyamikiridwa sichikudziwikabe.

Komabe chikondi chimatha kuphunziridwa, makamaka tikangofika zaka zaunyamata, titha kukhala ndi luso loganizira mozama komanso cholinga chodziwa, ndikuphunzira kudzikonda tokha. Ndiubongo wokhwima womwe umalola kusinkhasinkha ndikuwonjezera zokumana nazo pamoyo zomwe zimapereka mpata wokhala pagulu lalikulu, anthu amatha kudziyang'anira ndi chidwi, chidwi, chifundo, komanso kukoma mtima.

• Chidwi, kufunitsitsa kukafufuza ndikuvomereza mayendedwe ndi malingaliro athu onse, kumabweretsa mwayi wothokoza pazomwe timamva komanso kutengeka ndi thupi lathu zomwe zingaphunzitse za zomwe takumana nazo. Ikhoza kukopa wina kuti ayang'ane pansi pa mawonekedwe, kuti apeze chinthu pansi pa chete kapena wopanda pake pansi pa zonyezimira. Kuyesa gawo latsopano, kukulitsa luso latsopano, kufufuza za tsogolo lomwe lingakhalepo kumatha kubweretsa kuwona mtima komanso kuwongolera kwamkati komanso kudzipatsa ulemu komwe kumakhala pachimake pa kudzikonda.
• Chisamaliro ndi kukondanso kwachiwiri kodzikonda. Chidwi chimatanthauza kuyesa zomwe zimabweretsa chisangalalo kapena kuchepetsa ululu ndikupanga ndalama pothandizira onse awiri. Ndi njira yodzikonda yomwe imakulitsidwa mosavuta ndikulingalira, kusinkhasinkha, kukhala chete. Potenga nthawi kumvera thupi lathu ndikulemekeza zosowa za chakudya, zakumwa, kuyenda, kuchuluka kapena kuchepa kwa kukondoweza, timaphunzira kuzindikira zosowa zathu, kusiyanitsa zosowa ndi zomwe tikufuna, ndikupeza njira zodzisamalira tokha . Yoga kutambasula kungakhale fanizo lakutambasula nokha munjira zina; kukhazikika kwakanthawi kumatha kuwonetsa kufanana kwamkati; mchitidwe wanthawi zonse wa maluso umatha kudzilimbitsa. Zosowa zathu zobisika zimayamba kuonekera tikachedwetsa ndikumvetsera.
• Chifundo ukhoza kukhala chinsinsi chamatsenga chodzikonda. Chisoni chomwe timamva tikadziyang'ana tokha ndi chikondi chachifundo chimatilola kuzindikira kupanda ungwiro kwathu ndikuvomereza zokhumba zathu, zikhumbo zathu, makamaka zomwe tili nazo zochepa. Titha kusiya kudzipangira tokha kuti tikhulupirire kuti ndife okondedwa. Kufunafuna kukhala "okwanira bwino" kuti tikhale oyenera kukondedwa kumangotiitanira kuti tikwere pampikisano wopanga zangwiro. Ambiri mwa akatswiri azamaganizidwe atisonyeza kuti "ungwiro" kulibe mwa umunthu wathu. Mwachitsanzo, Roy Baumeister, pochita zoyeserera zake zotchuka za chokoleti, adawonetsa kuti mphamvu yakufunira imagwiritsa ntchito mphamvu zathu zamaganizidwe. Adawonetsa kuti kudziletsa sikopanda malire, ndipo timafooka pambuyo podziletsa kwathunthu. Mu chitsanzo china, Sheldon Cohen, Bert Uchino, Janice Kiecolt-Glaser, ndi anzawo osiyanasiyana, m'maphunziro osiyanasiyana, adawunika momwe thanzi lakumva kupweteka kwam'mutu komanso kulumikizirana molakwika muubwenzi wapamtima. Pochita izi, ofufuzawa ndi ena adalemba chitetezo cha mthupi chomwe chili ndi nzeru zopitilira kuwonongeka kwa thupi. Monga momwe Achifalansa amanenera, "wangwiro ndiye mdani wa zabwino" - ungwiro kulibeko ndipo chikhulupiriro chomwe ungachipeze chidzabweretsa kulephera.
• Zochita za kukoma mtima ndi njira zowonetsera ndikudzikonda. Kudzera m'malingaliro ofatsa, zizolowezi zolemekeza, komanso machitidwe owonetsetsa, tonsefe timadzionetsera tokha ndikukakamizidwa kuvomereza zotsatirapo zake. Ulemu, chisangalalo ndi ulemu-ulemu kuti kukonda ndi ntchito yopindulitsa.

Chidwi, chidwi, chifundo, ndi kukoma mtima, zopangidwa ngati njira yodzilemekezera tokha, zimatilola kukulitsa ubale wachikondi ndi ife eni. Ndipo tikaphunzira kudzikonda tokha, kudzisamalira tokha mosamala, mosasinthasintha, komanso mwachikondi, titha kuwongolera mitima yathu yachikondi panja.

Ndi mitundu ina iti ya chikondi yomwe ikutiyembekezera?

• Titha kukonda ana. Khungu lawo lofewa, fungo lokoma, mitu yayikulu kwambiri komanso kuyankha pakakwaniritsidwa zosowa zawo zimatiitanira kuti tiwakonde. Zinthu ziwiri zomwe zimadziwana wina ndi mnzake, chikondi chimakula. Pamene kuthekera kwathu kukuwonjezeka, titha kufikira chikondi kwambiri komanso mozama.
• Timakonda banja. Nthawi zina. Achibale ena kuposa ena. Ndi banja losankha komanso banja mwazi kapena zomangika mwalamulo. Titha kuphunzira kukonda omwe timagawana nawo tsiku lililonse chifukwa chodziwikiratu kuti wina ndi mzake ndi wamoyo.
• Timakonda omwe timawasamalira. Pali china chake chokhudza kusamalira munthu wina mwakuthupi amene amadalira pa ife chisamaliro chomwe chimafika pakukwanitsa kwathu kupereka, kupanga kusiyana. Zimatilola kuti tiwakonde komanso kukonda momwe timamvera kuti titha kusintha. Owasamalira nthawi zambiri amalankhula mosangalala chifukwa cha kulumikizana kwawo.
• Timakonda anzathu. Zingwe zaubwenzi ndi mtundu wapadera wachikondi, womwe timakulira ndikugawana nawo moyo wathu ukusintha. Poyendetsa zopanikizana zathu ndi kupambana kwathu, kugawana zochitika ndi masautso, timayamba kuzindikira mphamvu za wina ndi mzake ndikukula kuchokera kwa izo. "Chiphunzitso chokulitsa cha chikondi" chopangidwa ndi Arthur ndi Elaine Aron chitha kugwiranso ntchito pamaubwenzi komanso m'mabwenzi achikondi.
• Timakonda ziweto zathu. Ubwenzi wapakati pa chiweto ndi mwini wake nawonso ungakhale wofanizira, makamaka pamene chiweto chikuwonetsa mtundu wa cholumikizira chomwe chimabwera mosavuta kwa zinyama zina. Nditakhala wamasiye, ubale wanga ndi bichon wanga udandipatsa china choti ndikwaniritse malo opanda kanthu omwe adadzazidwa ndi chikondi. Mu Laborine yake ya Canine Cognition, pulofesa wa Yale Laurie Santos wasonyeza mgwirizano womwe agalu angakhale nawo ndi ambuye awo ndi ambuye awo; Laborator ya Canine Cognition ku Duke yapeza komwe kumachokera maubwenzi awo mpaka kuziphuphu zawo.
• Timakonda zokhumba zathu. Mihalyi Csikszentmihaly adafalitsa buku lake loyamba lonena za "kutuluka," kutenga nawo gawo kwathunthu pantchito yomwe chilakolako chimadzilimbikitsa, mu 1975. Chigumula chotsimikizira kafukufuku chinatsatira. Kudzipereka kwathu kuntchito yomwe timakonda kumabweretsa zabwino zambiri zomwe zimagwirizana ndi mitundu ina ya chikondi.
• Timakonda malo. Titha kulumikizana mosavuta ndi malo okhala ndi tanthauzo lina kwa ife. Kaya chifukwa cha mbiri yathu kumalo amenewo kapena momwe timakondera. Gawo la psychology yachilengedwe limasanthula chikondi ichi. Akatswiri ena adanenanso kuti timayang'ana komwe tidabadwira ndipo timakopeka ndi malo omwewo. Mwanjira yocheperako, anthu amatha kupanga nyumba yomwe amawakonda ndikuonetsetsa kuti imawathandiza kupeza chakudya cha thupi ndi moyo.
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  Ngati moyo wanu sunayambire papepala lokhala ndi chikondi ndi chidwi, musataye mtima. Chikondi chimatha kuphunziridwa, ndipo mutha kukhala ndi chisangalalo chongomverera, kupatsa, ndikugawana nawo, komanso kuphunzitsa. Palinso madalitso ena ambiri kuposa amenewa.

  Copyright 2019: Roni Beth Tower.

  Csikszentmihalyi, M., Abuhamdeh, S., Elliot, A. & Nakamura, J. (2005). Buku Lophatikiza ndi Kulimbikitsana. Atolankhani a Guilford.

  Csikszentmihalyi, Mihaly (1975). Kupitilira Kusoweka ndi Kuda nkhawa: Kukumana ndi Kuyenda Kuntchito ndi Kusewera, San Francisco: Jossey-Bass. ISBN 0-87589-261-2