Kodi Muyenera Kuyembekezera Zambiri Kuchokera Pachibale Chanu, Kapena Pang'ono?

Tonsefe timayembekezera ubale wathu wachikondi. Koma tiyenera kukhala kukweza kapena kutsitsa ziyembekezo zija? Kodi ndibwino kukhazikitsa miyezo yathu, kuti tithandizidwe kuyesetsa kukhazikitsa ubale wabwino kwambiri? Kapena kodi ndibwino kuti tisayembekezere zoyembekezera zathu, kuti tisakhumudwitsidwe chibwenzi chikayamba kukhala chosakwanira?

Chimodzi mwazinthu zofunikira poganizira za funsoli chidaperekedwa ndi a Eli Finkel ndi anzawo: "The Suffocation Model." ¹ Amati banja lamakono lakhala lopanikiza chifukwa timayembekezera kuti lidzakwaniritsa zosowa zamaganizidwe apamwamba ndipo timayamba "kubanika" kwinaku tikutsata zosoweka "zapamwamba kwambiri". M'mbuyomu, ukwati udakhazikitsidwa pazinthu zofananira monga kulera banja, ndikukwaniritsa zosowa zathu kuti tikondedwa. Koma mzaka makumi angapo zapitazi, anthu ayamba kuyembekezera zambiri kuchokera muukwati-makamaka, ambiri a ife tsopano tikuyembekeza kuti maubwenzi athu adzakwaniritsanso kufunika zosowa (kudzidalira komanso kudziwonetsa) ndi zathu zofuna zokha , monga kupereka mwayi wokula patokha ndikutithandiza kuchita zonse zomwe tingathe.

Malinga ndi a James McNulty, mtundu wa kubanika utha kugwiritsidwa ntchito kumvetsetsa za ubale chifukwa umagogomezera kufunikira kwakuti osati zoyembekezera zathu zokha, komanso momwe zimagwirizira gawo lalikulu laubwenzi. ² Mabanja ena, ngakhale atalimbikitsidwa kukonza ubale wawo, sangathe kuchita izi. Kunja kwa zopanikizika, zovuta za umunthu, komanso maluso oyenda bwino pakati pawo atha kupangitsa kuti ubale ukhale wolimba. Kuyembekeza kwakukulu kumatha kulimbikitsa anthu kuti azilimbikira kwambiri pamaubwenzi awo - koma ngati zomwezo zingatanthauze kusintha kwenikweni kumadalira kuthekera kwa banja kuti zisinthe. Ndipo monga anthu amayembekezera zochulukirapo kuchokera ku maubale awo, mabanja ochepa ndi omwe ali ndi maluso ofunikira.

Poyesa izi, McNulty adaphunzira mabanja okwatirana 135, omwe akhala m'banja miyezi isanu ndi umodzi kapena kuchepera apo. ² Mabanjawo adajambulidwa akukambirana kawiri za vuto lomwe lili m'banja lawo, ndipo adakwaniritsa njira ziwiri zakubanja. Kuphatikiza apo, wokwatirana aliyense adakwaniritsa zovuta zamabanja ndi maubwenzi apabanja miyezi isanu ndi umodzi mpaka isanu ndi itatu pafupifupi zaka zinayi.

Maubwenzi apabanja adayesedwa m'njira ziwiri: Choyamba, adavotera kufunikira kofunikira kwa iwo kuti ubale wawo ukwaniritse zomwe zingaoneke ngati "zapamwamba kwambiri" - mikhalidwe yomwe idawunikiridwa ndikuphatikiza kuwona mtima, kudzipereka, chisamaliro, kuthandizira, ulemu, chisangalalo, zovuta, kusangalala, kudziyimira pawokha, komanso chidwi.Adawunikiranso kufunikira kwakuti mbali 17 zaubwenzi zinali zofunikira kwa iwo, kuphatikiza kulumikizana, kuyang'anira ndalama, kugonana, komanso kudziyimira pawokha.

Cholinga chachikulu cha kafukufukuyu chinali kudziwa ngati kuthekera kwa maanja kukonza ubale wawo kumatha kudziwa ngati ziyembekezo zazikulu zinali mpulumutsi wa chibwenzi kapena kusokonekera. Maluso abwenzi awa adayesedwa m'njira ziwiri: Imodzi inali yolembera zokambirana zomwe zalembedwa mu labotale za mikangano. Coders adayang'anitsitsa maanjawo ngati ali ndi zizolowezi zina zosayenera, mtundu wamakhalidwe omwe awonetsedwa kuti ndi ovuta. Makhalidwewa akuphatikizira kudzudzula mwachindunji kapena malamulo omwe amaphatikizapo kulingalira za momwe mnzanu alili (mwachitsanzo, "Ndikudziwa momwe mumamvera za izi"); mafunso amwano (mwachitsanzo, "Ndinakuuza chiyani za izi?"); kupewa udindo (mwachitsanzo, "Sindingathe kuthandizira, ndi momwe ndiliri); ndi kunyoza.

Maluso adayesedwanso pozindikira momwe mavuto am'banja adakhalira pachiyambi cha ukwati wawo. Mabanja adafunsidwa kuti adziwe momwe magawo 17 omwe angakhale ndi mavuto anali kale pamavuto muubwenzi wawo (mwachitsanzo, ndalama, azilamu, kugonana, mankhwala osokoneza bongo / mowa). Ngakhale mavuto amgwirizano atha kukhala chifukwa cha miyezo yapamwamba, adatengedwa kuti akhale chisonyezo cha momwe banjali lidakwanitsira kutha kugulitsa ndi mavuto kumayambiriro kwaukwati wawo, motero kuwonetsa luso laubwenzi.

Kodi ziyembekezo zabwino ndizabwino kwa maanja ena osati ena?

Zotsatira zake zidawonetsa kuti maanja omwe anali ndiubwenzi wovuta-omwe amachita zikhalidwe zosawoneka bwino pazokambirana, kapena omwe anali ndi mavuto oyambira pomwe - ziyembekezo zambiri zimalumikizidwa ndi osauka khalidwe laukwati. Kwa mabanjawa, kuyembekezera kwakukulu kunali kovuta kukwaniritsa, ndipo mwina amathera kukhumudwitsidwa ndikukhumudwitsidwa.

Maanja omwe ali ndi maluso abwenzi adawonetsa zosiyana: Ziyembekezero zazikulu zimalumikizidwa bwino khalidwe laukwati. Chifukwa chake maanja omwe khalani kuthekera kokulitsa ubale wawo, ziyembekezo zazikulu zitha kukhala zolimbikitsira kugwiritsa ntchito maluso awo ndikusintha ubale wawo.

Kodi izi zikutanthauza chiyani kwa maanja omwe akufuna kukhala achimwemwe?

Ikuwonetsa njira ziwiri zomwe zingachitike: Maanja atha kugwiritsa ntchito maluso awo, kotero kuti athe kukwaniritsa zomwe amayembekezera-ndipo nthawi zambiri iyi ndi njira yolimbikitsidwa ndi akatswiri othandizira maubwenzi komanso othandizira maanja.

Koma kafukufuku watsopanoyu akuwonetsa kuti maanja angafunenso kulingalira kutsitsa miyezo yawo . Izi zitha kumveka ngati "kusiya" pachibwenzi. Koma siziyenera kutanthauza choncho.

Ingoganizirani uphungu womwewo womwe ungagwiritsidwe ntchito kukhala wokhutira ndi thupi lanu: Mutha kuyamba kutsatira mosamalitsa malangizo azakudya kuti muchepetse thupi ndikukwaniritsa zolimbitsa thupi zomwe zingayambitse zovuta zanu. Kukulitsa maluso awa kumabweretsa thupi lanu mofanana kwambiri ndi miyezo yanu, ndipo mwina kukulitsa kukhutira kwa thupi lanu. Koma mutha kutsitsanso mfundo zanu ndikunena kuti, "Sizofunika kwenikweni kwa ine kuti ndili ndi ma pack asanu ndi limodzi." Ndipo kusintha kwamalingaliro kukupangitsanso kuti mukhale okhutira ndi thupi lanu.

Izi sizikutanthauza kuti musamayembekezere chilichonse kuchokera pachibwenzi chanu; m'malo mwake, mungafune kulingalira zosintha miyezo yanu kuti musayembekezere kuti mnzanuyo akwaniritsa zosowa zanu zonse ndikukwaniritsani kwathunthu.

Chifukwa chake dzifunseni kuti: Kodi "mukubanika" pamene mukuyesera kukwaniritsa zomwe mukuyembekezera m'banja lanu?

Gwendolyn Seidman, PhD. ndi pulofesa wothandizira wa psychology ku Albright College yemwe amaphunzira maubale ndi cyberpsychology. Tsatirani iye pa Twitter kuti mumve zambiri zokhudza psychology, maubwenzi, ndi machitidwe a pa intaneti, ndipo werengani zina mwa zolemba zake pa Misonkhano Yotseka.

Zolemba

^{1 Finkel, E. J., Hui, C. M., Carswell, K. L., & Larson, G. M. (2014). Kukanika kwa banja: Kukwera phiri la Maslow wopanda mpweya wokwanira. Kufufuza Kwamaganizidwe, 25, 1-41.}

^{2 McNulty, J. K. (2016). Kodi okwatirana ayenera kupondereza zambiri muukwati? Maganizo pazomwe zingakhudze momwe anthu angakhalire. Umunthu ndi Psychology Psychology Bulletin, 42, 444-457.}