Chifukwa Chomwe Palibe Chosangalatsa Kwambiri Pakukondana Kuposa Kudekha

“Mumandipatsa malungo mukandipsopsona, Fever mukandigwira mwamphamvu,
Thupi m'mawa, Timalungo usiku wonse. ” - Peggy Lee

Kukondana nthawi zambiri kumayenderana ndi chisangalalo chamkuntho. Ngakhale zitha kukhala chonchi, ndikukhulupirira kuti mdera lathu lino lomwe likufulumizitsidwa, bata ndi chisangalalo chatsopano chachikondi.

Mitundu Yachikondi

Chikondi chenicheni sichili champhamvu, choyaka moto, chongofuna zinthu mopupuluma. M'malo mwake, ndi chinthu chokhazikika komanso chakuya. Imayang'ana kupitirira zakunja, ndipo imakopeka ndi mikhalidwe yokha. Ndi yanzeru komanso yosankha, ndipo kudzipereka kwake ndi kwenikweni komanso kosatha. ” - Ellen G. White

Kutengeka nthawi zambiri kumafaniziridwa ndi namondwe ndi moto: Ndiosakhazikika, maiko okhwima omwe amatanthauza kukondweretsedwa komanso kusakhazikika. Zolimbikitsa zimapangidwa tikazindikira kusintha kwakukulu kapena kusintha komwe kungachitike mikhalidwe yathu (Ben-Ze'ev, 2000). Amakonda kukulitsa mikhalidwe ndikuwapangitsa kuwoneka achangu, zomwe zimatipangitsa kuti tipeze chuma chathu.

Khalidwe ili limapambananso pamafotokozedwe achikondi. Monga momwe Betsy Prioleau (2003: 14) akunenera, "Chikondi chimayenda chamadzimadzi m'madzi odekha. Chiyenera kuyambitsidwa ndi zotchinga komanso zovuta ndikuthira chidwi." Chifukwa chake, "Zomwe zapatsidwa sizifunidwa." Timaganiza kuti chikondi choyenera chimakhala ndichisangalalo chosasunthika komanso malingaliro osasunthika, kuti chikondi sichidziwa magawo osiyanasiyana ndipo sichiyenera kunyengerera.

Zizindikiro zomwe zili pamwambazi ndizowona pamtundu wina wamomwe mukumverera-kutengeka kwakukulu, komwe kumangokhala kwakanthawi. Kusintha sikungapitirire kwa nthawi yayitali; dongosolo laumunthu posachedwa limavomereza kusintha ngati chinthu chabwinobwino, chokhazikika ndikusintha.

Koma palinso malingaliro okhalitsa, omwe atha kupitilira kwa moyo wonse. Kutengeka mtima kumatha kusintha malingaliro athu ndi machitidwe athu. Kupsa mtima kumatha kukhala kwakanthawi, koma chisoni chakumwalira kwa wokondedwa chimayambiranso, kuwonetsa malingaliro athu, momwe timakhalira, kukula, komanso momwe timakhalira ndi nthawi ndi malo. Chikondi chokhalitsa cha mwamuna kwa mnzake sichingaphatikizepo malingaliro osalekeza, koma chimakhudza malingaliro ake ndi machitidwe kwa iye ndi ena.

Sikuti mvula yamkuntho yonse imatha kukhala yamphamvu, koma chikondi cha amuna kapena akazi okhaokha chimatha. Pankhaniyi, titha kusiyanitsa pakati pa kukondana ndi kuchuluka. Kukula kwachikondi ndi chithunzithunzi cha zomwe zimachitika panthawi yakukondana; limatanthawuza gawo lakanthawi lakukhumba, nthawi zambiri kugonana. Imakhala kwakanthawi, koma palibe chitukuko chachikulu.

Zachikondi kuchuluka ndimakondano omwe amapezeka nthawi zonse komanso opitilira muyeso omwe amakulitsa ndikukula kwa wokondedwa aliyense ndi ubale wawo. Chikondi choterechi chimayesedwa makamaka ndikukhazikitsa kulumikizana kwatanthauzo, kuphatikiza zochitika zothandizana komanso kugawana zomwe takumana nazo. Nthawi ndiyabwino komanso yokhazikika pakukondana, komanso kuwononga kukondana.

Chisangalalo Chozama

"Chidwi chimakhala chosangalatsa chifukwa cha kudzoza, chidwi, komanso luso laling'ono." --Bo Bennett

Mphamvu zomwe ndimakopeka ndizodekha. ” —Julia Roberts

Titha kunena kuti chisangalalo sichimakhala chachidule, chongokhudza kukondana kokha; Itha kukhala gawo la chibwenzi chosatha, chakuya. Ngati chisangalalo chikuphatikiza kufuna kudziwa zambiri za munthu wina ndikukhala ndi chidwi ndi winawake, tiyenera kuganiza kuti nthawi itha kukulitsa chisangalalo. Chisangalalo chachikulu, chanthawi yayitali chimaphatikizaponso mayiko achidule ofunitsitsa kwambiri. Titha kusiyanitsa pakati pongotengeka pang'ono, chisangalalo chamkuntho ndi chisangalalo chachikulu, chokhazikika.

Monga lingaliro lachisangalalo chodekha poyambilira lingawoneke ngati mpweya, ndikulongosola: Kudekha ndikumverera kwathunthu komwe kusokonekera kulibe. Pamene "bata" likugwiritsidwa ntchito ponena za nyengo, limasonyeza vuto lomwe limasowa mkuntho, mphepo yamkuntho, kapena mafunde oyipa. Kudekha kulibe zinthu zoyipa, monga kusokonezeka, chipwirikiti, mantha, kusokonezeka, kapena kupsinjika; sizitanthauza kungokhala osachita kanthu kapena osachita zabwino kapena chisangalalo. M'malo mwake, kudekha ndikofunikira kuti tikule bwino. Chifukwa kudekha kwakukulu kumalumikizidwa ndi mphamvu yamkati, imakhala yamphamvu komanso yokhazikika.

Pofufuza momwe zinthu zimakhalira komanso kusinthasintha, zinthu ziwiri zoyambira pakumverera-kupitiriza kokondweretsedwa ndi chisangalalo chopitilira-ndizofunikira. Robert Thayer (1996) akupereka lingaliro logawaniza kupitiliza kwadzutsa kukhala mitundu iwiri-imodzi yomwe imakhala pakati pa mphamvu mpaka kutopa ndipo inayo kuyambira pakakhala bata mpaka bata. Chifukwa chake, tili ndimikhalidwe inayi yomwe imati: -kukhazikika, kutopa, mphamvu, komanso kutopa. Iliyonse imatha kulumikizidwa ndi boma linalake pakupitilira kwachisangalalo. Chifukwa chake, a Thayer amawona mkhalidwe wamaganizidwe abwinobwino kukhala mkhalidwe wosangalatsa kwambiri, komanso kutopetsa kwambiri kukhala kosasangalatsa. Thayer akuwonetsa kuti anthu ambiri amalephera kusiyanitsa pakati pamphamvu-yamtendere ndi mphamvu yamphamvu chifukwa amakhulupirira kuti nthawi iliyonse ali olimba, pamakhala zovuta zina pamkhalidwe wawo. Thayer anena kuti lingaliro la bata mphamvu ndilachilendo kwa ambiri Akumadzulo, koma osati kwa anthu azikhalidwe zina.

Amapereka izi kuchokera kwa Zen master Shunryu Suzuki (1970: 46):

“Kukhazikika maganizo sikutanthauza kuti muyenera kusiya kuchita chilichonse. Kukhazikika kwenikweni kuyenera kupezeka pazochitikazo. N'zosavuta kukhala chete osachita chilichonse, koma kudekha pochita zinthu ndiko kudekha kwenikweni. ”

Kudekha kwamtunduwu kumatha kupezeka pazochitika zazikulu, zamkati, zomwe zimapangitsa kuti anthu azikula bwino. Popeza zinthu ngati izi ndizosangalatsa, titha kuyankhula zakusangalala kwakukulu.

Kukhwima ndi chisangalalo chodekha

"Zimandigunda kuti 'tikukhala' (makamaka, sitikuchita) ngati achinyamata; kodi sitingayesere kuchita zinthu ngati kuti ndife achikulire? Ndikumva ngati ndili ndi zaka makumi awiri." -Mayi wokwatiwa kwa wokondedwa wake (onse azaka za m'ma 50)

Kukhwima kumawoneka ngati kotsutsana ndi zachilendo komanso chisangalalo; achinyamata amawoneka okhudzidwa kwambiri kuposa achikulire. Kukondana kwakanthawi kochepa kumachitika chifukwa cha kusintha kwakunja, kusintha kwatsopano, pomwe chikondi chanthawi yayitali chimazikidwa pakukula kwachizolowezi chodziwika bwino. Pakatikati pa zakale pali chisangalalo chosalamulirika; pakatikati pa chakumapeto kuli bata (bata, bata), zomwe zimaphatikizapo kukhwima (Mogilner, et al., 2011).

Potengera kusiyana kumeneku, malingaliro wamba akuti "chisangalalo chimachepa ndi ukalamba" amapezeka kuti ndi abodza. M'malo mwake, kafukufuku akuwonetsa kuti achikulire alidi wokondwa ndipo Zambiri wokhutitsidwa ndi miyoyo yawo kuposa achinyamata. Chimodzi mwazotheka ndikuti tikazindikira kuti zaka zathu zakhala zikuchepa, timasintha malingaliro athu ndipo timayang'ana kwambiri pazomwe takumana nazo pakadali pano. M'mikhalidwe iyi, zokumana nazo zathu nthawi zambiri zimakhala zodekha. Sonja Lyubomirsky, pakufotokozera mwachidule zomwe apezazi, akuti kwa anthu ambiri, "zaka zabwino kwambiri" zili mgawo lachiwiri la moyo (Lyubomirsky, 2013; onaninso Carstensen, 2009; Carstensen, et al., 2011).

Zapezeka kuti achikulire amawona okondedwa awo ngati ofunda panthawi yakusemphana komanso ntchito zothandizana ndikuwunikanso kukhutira ndi banja. Okwatirana achikulire amakhala ndi mikangano yocheperako m'banja kuposa anzawo achichepere, ngakhale akunena kuti maubwenzi ogonana sakhala ocheperapo m'miyoyo yawo. Chikondi chothandizana nacho, chomwe chimazikidwa paubwenzi, chikuwoneka kuti ndichofunikira kwambiri m'miyoyo yawo. Ponseponse, maubwenzi apamtima paukalamba ndi ogwirizana komanso okhutiritsa (Berscheid, 2010; Charles & Carstensen, 2009).

Kudekha Pazinthu Zachikondi

“Zachikondi ndizamkuntho. Chikondi ndi chodekha. ” - Mason Cooley

Chidziwitso cha chikondi chakuya chimakhala ndi zinthu zofunikira kwambiri, zomwe zimapangitsa kukula kwa wokondedwa aliyense komanso umodzi wawo.Kuchulukanso nthawi zambiri kumalumikizidwa ndi zovuta. Kukonda winawake kwambiri Zimaphatikizapo malingaliro athunthu omwe amazindikira kulemera, tanthauzo, komanso zovuta za wokondedwayo. Maganizo otsogola kwa wina ndikumuzindikira munthuyo mophweka komanso mosakondera, osanyalanyaza zakuya za munthuyo.

Kuchita zachikondi kumalimbitsa kuchepa kwamphamvu komwe kungachitike ndi nthawi. Chikondi chikakhala chozama, zochita zachikondi zimatha kukhala bata koma zosangalatsa. Kudekha kwachikondi kumalumikizidwa ndi kukhulupirirana kwakukulu komwe kumakhalapo muubwenzi wachikondi; chisangalalo chimachokera pakumverera kwakukula ndikudzipangira wekha ndi mnzanu.

Zomwe tatchulazi zitha kuthana ndi vuto lomwe anthu amakhala nalo akafuna chibwenzi chomwe chili zonse zosangalatsa komanso okhazikika. Anthu amakonda chikondi chawo chachikondi kukhala chosangalatsa; akufuna kumva kuti ali ndi moyo wathanzi komanso wosangalala kwambiri. Mawu oti malo ochezera omwe ali ndi mutu wakuti "Wokwatirana Komanso Wokwatirana" ndi "Wokwatirana, Osafa" - malo ochezerawa amalonjeza kuti mamembala ake "adzakhalanso ndi moyo." Koma chisangalalo choterechi sichimaphatikizapo chidwi chokhazikika, kuvomerezedwa, kapena chidwi chodziwa zambiri za winayo. Mwachikondi chozama, mutha kutaya chidwi chabodza, koma mumakhala ndi chisangalalo chokhalitsa, chokhudzana ndi kudziwana ndi kuyanjana.

Mumasankha Chisangalalo Chotani?

"Ndidapeza chodabwitsa cha chikondi (chatsopano, chatsopano) ndikupeza bata lamtendere lomwe likukula mwa ine. Zonse zili chete, bata, osapanikizika kapena kuchita mantha. ” - Yehuda Ben-Ze'ev

M'chitaganya chosakhazikika potengera kuthamanga ndi magwiridwe antchito, tadzazidwa ndi chisangalalo chapamwamba. Anthu ochepera komanso ozama nthawi zambiri amakopeka ndikufulumira; anthu othamanga komanso otsogola ali m'mphepete. Malo ochezera a pa Intaneti amalumikizana pakati pa anthu mwachangu komanso mozama, amachepetsa kuchuluka kwachikondi ndikuwonjezera vuto la kusungulumwa, komwe sikumachitika chifukwa chosowa mayanjano, koma chifukwa chosowa zomveka, zakuya kulumikizana.

Anthu amakono amatipatsa chisangalalo chapamwamba, koma chisangalalo chochepa kwambiri. Msewu wapamwambowu ndiwokopa kwambiri ndipo ukuwoneka kuti ukupereka mwayi wochulukirapo. Kuthamangitsa chisangalalo chachidule, komabe, nthawi zambiri kumakhala vuto osati yankho. Izi zikachitika kawirikawiri, zimatha kukhala zosasangalatsa komanso zokhumudwitsa.

Sindikukana phindu la zochitika zamkuntho, zosangalatsa, zomwe nthawi zambiri zimakhala zosangalatsa. Sindikukana kuti pali malonda pakati pa chisangalalo chapamwamba ndi kuchuluka kwa chikondi; komabe, izi sizogulitsa pakati pa chisangalalo chachikulu ndi kusapezeka zachisangalalo. M'malo mwake, chisankho chathu chili pakati pongotulutsa mawu mwachidule, mwachidule zochitika zonse za chisangalalo chachikulu.

Tikamakhala ndi moyo wautali, ndipo gulu lathu limatipatsa zochulukirapo, zokumana nazo zosangalatsa, kufunika kwakusangalala kwakukulu, modekha kwawonjezeka kwambiri. Kuti tikhale achimwemwe masiku ano, sitifunikira zokumana nazo mopitilira muyeso komanso zosangalatsa. M'malo mwake, timafunikira kuthekera kokhazikitsa, kusamalira, ndikuwonjezera chisangalalo chachikulu, chokhazikika. Nthawi zambiri, timayenera kukonda kwambiri ndikuwona bata monga chisangalalo chatsopano chachikondi.

Berscheid, E. (2010). Chikondi mu gawo lachinayi. Kuwunika Kwaka pachaka kwa Psychology, 61, 1-25.

Carstensen, L. L., (2009). Tsogolo labwino kwambiri. Broadway.

Carstensen, LL, et al., (2011). Chidziwitso chakumverera chimakula bwino ndi ukalamba. Psychology ndi Ukalamba, 26, 21-33.

Charles, S.T & Carstensen, L.L (2009). Kukalamba kwamaganizidwe ndi anthu. Kuwunika Kwaka pachaka kwa Psychology, 61, 383–409.

[Adasankhidwa] Lyubomirsky, S. (2013). Zikhulupiriro zabodza zachisangalalo. Mbalame.

Mogilner, C., Kamvar, S., D., & Aaker, J. (2011). Tanthauzo losintha la chisangalalo. Sayansi Yamaganizidwe Amunthu ndi Umunthu, 2, 395-402.

Prioleau, B. (2003). Seductress: Amayi omwe adasokoneza dziko lapansi komanso kutayika kwachikondi. Viking.

Pezani nkhaniyi pa intaneti Suzuki, S. (1970). Zen malingaliro, malingaliro a Woyambitsa. Weatherhill.

Thayer, R. E. (1996). Chiyambi cha zisangalalo za tsiku ndi tsiku. Yunivesite ya Oxford.